Thug Life! With the Cullens
by supernova1994
Summary: Bella wants another baby, Carlisles poisoning the family, and why are Alice and Rosalie sneaking into a dark building in the middle of the night? Edward's weapon is a lollipop, and Emmett's a 'lady? Everybody's here, Esme's trying to deal with it all!
1. Seth Imprints

**Disclaimer:** _Stephenie owns it all, sometimes we just mess around. :D (this goes for the whole story, okay? Except for one or two charachters in the future, but that's a surprise!!!)_

**NOTICE:**_ before you read this. stephanie and i are both madly in love with twilight._ we love every charachter._ i love jacob. stephanie, not so much :) other than that, though, we're pretty much in love with them all. everything that we say and write in this story is simply a joke, and if you don't like, don't understand, or don't care about jokes, just don't read it. it's random and crazy and sometimes its plot is pointless, but that's what makes it worth reading. if you're looking for a serious story, you need to stop reading this right now :D_

_*points forward like a soldier* NOW, on with the storyy! _

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I was sitting on the couch, sitting on Edward's lap. We were watching television and lounging, wasting another beautiful day. It was sunny, so we couldn't go to school, leaving us with 24 hours to do nothing. Renesmee was home, so that left _certain_ options out of the question.

Jacob walked in, and I frowned as Renesmee flung herself into his arms like an obsessive puppy. Really, didn't Rosalie teach her anything about playing hard to get? She looked seventeen now, and they'd already become an 'item' by now. Jacob kissed her so passionately I fought myself not to kick him.

"Bella?" He looked at me, sighing.

"Yes, Jacob?" Edward was watching Jacob, a horrified yet amused expression on his face.

"Well, its about Seth…"

"Yes, and?" I prompted. Edward was trying hard to keep his laughter in, but he was failing.

"You see, Seth imprinted." I frowned, I didn't see what was so wrong with that. Renesmee was dangling off of him, and he had his hand around her waist. I seriously needed to teach my daughter to handle hormones. Maybe we could have a class…

"What's so wrong with that?" I asked. Jacob shifted uncomfortably, squeezing Renesmee closer for support. I rolled my eyes at them. Seriously, they were so immature; Edward and I were never that clingy. Sheesh.

"Well, let me explain and don't judge before I'm finished, okay?" I didn't get the big deal. I mean, Quil was waiting. Claire was six now, and I didn't see anything worse than that. I just nodded, ignoring Edward as he burst out laughing.

"Okay, well we were at Sam's house and Emily was in the kitchen cooking. Well we all ran into the kitchen because, well, Emily's an amazing cook. And Seth just sort of imprinted." I gasped, had he seriously imprinted on Emily?

"Well, he sort of imprinted on…raisin bread dough." I gasped, stifling laughter and astonishment. I looked at Edward, who nodded.

"This isn't funny you guys!" Jacob let out an exasperated sigh, heaving himself down on the couch. "You're reading it all wrong!"

"Tell me…how…I'm supposed…to read this!" I said between gasps for air. He growled menacingly at me, to which Edward barred his teeth.

"Well, Seth took the raisin bread dough home-"

"Isn't this a little early in the relationship for that kind of preposterous nonsense?" I cracked, bursting into fits of giggles.

"Shut up and let me tell you! He'll love that raisin bread dough more than anybody's ever loved anything. He'll put it in the oven at 350 and watch it grow. When its done, and its time comes for somebody to eat it, he'll follow soon after. It's very romantic, you guys."

He was lost on us, I was already cracking up, rolling around on the couch. Renesmee was gazing at him as though he was a god, with lots of happy information and positive attitude. Jacob wasn't as cool as Edward. That's why I picked Edward. He was really, really hot.

"I think Jacob's just using you and the 'imprinting' thing as an excuse to be around me even though I'm beautiful and happy and way too good for him," I informed Renesmee. She started crying and ran from the room. God, what a baby. Now I have them both to myself! Jacob glared at me, probably because I'd found him out. Then he ran from the room in what I assumed was embarrassment, calling for the monster that was my daughter.

"Good! Now we have all afternoon to ourselves!" I said gleefully to Edward, tackling him on the couch to kiss him lots. Like I said, we didn't flaunt our relationship.

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**A:N/ **haha, dont worry. the chapters will be getting better! we did a test run of the first 3 in our class, and it went pretty well, if we do say so ourselves.

if you want a review by tomorrow, we're asking for 4 reviews! that's not that hard, is it? please review and let us know what you think! We'll give you a big frosted cookie if you review! :D

stay awesome!

S & M


	2. Babies :D

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Here! On behalf of S & M, we proudly present Chapter two! (:

_**Dedication:** This first dedication goes to Olivia, Sarah and Jessie, our friends from school who are reading the next chapters religiously. Especially Olivia :D And also, to our four reviewers, **jennyabc, , foryouanything, meboredinc **& **missy twilight**, who's very awkward review had me, (mandy) dying of laughter._

_*hands cookie to all who reviewed* _

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Edward and I had been making out for a very, very long time. Now that I was a happy vampy he could do lots of fun things he couldn't do before. Gotta admit, even though I'm damned to hell, making out with a super gorgeous babe is definitely worth it. Oh, don't tell Edward I switched sides on the soul thing, he'd get PMSy again.

Edward was kissing my jaw, and I was thinking. I just pretended to like him, I was really in this for something more.

"Let's have another baby!" I yelled, trying to rip off his clothes. He looked at me like I was stupid.

"We're vampires…we can't have babies." Seriously? Why did he have to be so negative? I can't believe I even have the power to deal with his annoying, whiney ways.

"We had the demon child, didn't we?" He nodded, seeing my logic.

"Then lets have a baby!"

--

"I'm not pregnant!" I yelled an hour later when I went to talk to Alice.

"You can't get pregnant, Bella…" Seriously, was everybody stupid? Did I have to give them the birds and the bees talk?

After I gave Alice 'the talk', she was staring at me in horror and disgust. I smacked her in the face.

"I want a baby in my belly!" I yelled, knocking over a ficus. I don't know why Esme even tried to make this house look cheery. We were gorgeous enough anyways, who cared about stupid tiny plants. I ate the plant, devouring it within minutes.

"Do you think we should call somebody…?" I heard Alice whisper to Emmett.

Renesmee came back in with Jacob's arm around her waist. Her eyes were red and puffy, making her ten times worse than normal. And Jacob was just killing the mood, glaring at me.

"I just want a baby that's not stupid and clingy and ugly!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air. Renesmee cried and ran off again. She was such a freaking crybaby. Jacob ran off again, and I secretly cursed them all in my mind.

Edward was yelling out the window at them.

"Yea, get outta here!"

He turned to me, the gorgeous thing, and smiled proudly.

We were the best parents ever .

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A few hours later I was sitting in our room talking on the phone to Charlie.

"And she's just so stupid and annoying….No, seriously Dad, you shouldn't even see her anymore… yes, annoying and stupid, like I said… you don't believe me?… you shouldn't mess with me… you cant freaking ground me, I'm a WOMAN now… yea, duh. We have Renesmee, remember? Demon child, spawn of Satan, any of that ring a bell?… I gotta go, you're annoying too."

I hung up the phone, leaning over my bed to puke all over the floor.

"Edward! You're never going to believe this! I'm pregnant!"

Then Rosalie came in and tried to rip my arm off.

Ah, family memories

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**a:n/ **_HEHE! i swear, the story is going to pick up quick from here. stick with us :D stephanie says that everybody that reviews is amazing, and you are! _

_**6** reviews for another update today_

_**4** reviews for an update tomorrow :D _


	3. Golfers

**disclaimer:** we own nothing, it all belongs to stephenie meyer :D

stephanie has decided to dedicate this chapter to** jennyabc** and **foryouanything**, for having the nicest reviews for 2 chapters in a row (:

anyways, lets get this party startedd!

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I skipped into the living room, holding my arm together carefully so it would heal.

"Edward I have an idea!" I yelled as I called a meeting in the middle of the room. The whole family was there, and Rosalie was glaring at my stomach. Forget her, it wasn't my fault she wasn't cool enough to have a baby. "Okay so when this baby starts to grow I'm gonna get really big and fat, right? And I'm going to crave funny foods and stuff?"

Everybody nodded and I smiled. "Perfect!"

I ran out of the room, Rosalie following behind me. I leaned over to throw up in the bushes, and she held my hair.

"Like, I'm sorry and stuff, for ripping your arm off. I was wondering, can I have Renesmee since you hate her and everything?"

"Sure. I don't need her."

Rosalie nodded seriously and skipped around. "Can I have your new baby too?"

"No."

She nodded again and took my ripped off arm and threw it into a random fire.

"What the hell?!" I yelled at her. She shrugged, smiling innocently.

"Why did you do that?!"

"You didn't give me your other baby."

I jumped at her and ripped off her arm. Then I stuck it to mine and let it heal.

"Yea! Go Bella!"

I smiled at Alice who was skipping out of the house with Edward, hand in hand like a scene from a movie. I waited for them to slow but they plowed into me, knocking us all onto the ground.

"Look!" I said, ignoring Rosalie's cries of rage. "I got a new arm!"

Alice and Edward clapped politely like golfers.

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**a:n/** _whooo for updates! you guys know the drill by now :D_

**6** _reviews for an update today_

**4** _reviews for an update tomorrow_

thanks everybody! S & M


	4. Squeak

**can you believe it? we got yelled at! xD**

okay, now i just want to say one more time that this is a VERY OOC story! don't think that this is meant to be serious, but there IS a plot. if you review nicely, we'll update more regularly, and you'll be able to see what happens. i dont want to sound mean, but theres no reason to really get upset. if you dont like it, dont review. its that simple.

anyway, steph was over earlier and replied to all of your reviews. i just hope she was nice :D

hahaa *dodges stephanie* ON WITH THE STORY!

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"Are you feeling okay?" Edward asked, putting a hand to my forehead. I turned around and bit him, making him cry aggressively and stomp his foot.

"I'm pregnant," I said, patting the wound on his arm gently. He nodded and bent down to talk to the baby.

"I have prepared…a melody…for you, my little Edward Junior," he said in an accent that strongly resembled a member of the mafia. I pulled away, disgusted.

"If you think that I've been a _boy_ this entire time, then I want a divorce."

"Well, haha, even if we do get a divorce, at least I've already damned you to hell."

Carlisle's P.O.V.

After the meeting was called, I had to run into the woods to get away from Edward's psycho mind reading abilities.

Seriously, that boy must have been either the town gossip, like a ratty old woman with a balding head, or a perverted guy who looked in girls windows at night while they had slumber parties. How else would he have gotten that completely stupid power?

I couldn't let him know that I poisoned Bella. She was just so stupid and annoying. It was getting too hard to pretend to like her anymore.

Flashback:

"_Carlisle!" Bella called in her highly annoying voice. _

"_Yes, Bella?" I called, strolling sexily into the foyer. _Show off those legs, Carlisle! _Edward rolled his eyes at my thoughts, but I just kept strolling. _Walk to that beat, walk to that beat!

_I stopped when I ran into a wall, shattering a hole in it. Crap, now I was going to have to deal with, I mean… explain to my wife what happened. But I couldn't tell her I was trying to show off my legs…_

"_I think I'm pregnant," Bella announced gleefully. I rolled my eyes, but Edward and Bella both ignored me. _

"_Just because you spend hours locked in your room doesn't mean you can have a baby," I tried to explain carefully for the five hundredth time. Edward narrowed his eyes at me, like he was studying me. _

_It was silent for a moment while I shifted from one foot to another uncomfortably. _

"_HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH!" Edward announced bravely, standing up with his arms spread wide as if he was calming a crowd. He turned from side to side, shaking his hands in a motion meant to calm somebody down. Then he sat down bravely. _

2 weeks later.

"_I think I'm pregnant, Carlisle," Bella announced as we were finishing a caribou. _

Stick out your chest, show those muscles! _Edward glared at me, his dumb mind reading ability finally kicking in. _

"_You can't be pregnant!" I all but yelled at her stupidity. Edward narrowed his eyes again, and there was another awkward silence as he watched me. _

"_HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH!" Edward announced again, silencing a nonexistent crowd. _

"_Will you stop that?!" I screamed, burying the caribou that I'd just drained. _

"_Stop what?" _

"_Stop acting like such a loser!" I screamed. Edward furrowed his bushy brow, and I was tempted to try to pull the massive caterpillar looking object off of his face. _

"_I'm not a loser!" He squeaked, turning to Bella. "Am I a loser?" _

_Bella nodded sadly, patting his arm. _

"_That's why I love Jacob." _

So you see, it really was necessary to get her out of the picture. She was just too annoying, and she turned my loving, caring Edward into an eil, unoptomistic and hateful man.

This girl was going down.

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haha, okay. you know the drill by now. just click the review button **nicely **and we'll update again tomorrow. we're not going to quit this story, even if many of you don't enjoy it, so please keep your comments to yourself :D

**i love you all**! even those who dont love us!

STAY AWESOME!

S & M


	5. Bagles

**huge **thanks to our 2 beautiful readers who reviewed! :D

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"Edward, Get me a bagel!" I demanded.

"God, woman! Learn to control your cravings!" He mumbled just loud enough for me to hear.

"Aren't you a vampire?" He asked, glancing at the long line of the bagel store.

"Yeah. So?" I asked rolling my eyes. He shrugged and got in line reluctantly, tapping his foot and humming to himself.

_If he wasn't so hot I probably would have ripped off an ear, eye or some other limb by now. Good thing he can't read my thoughts._

"MWAHAHA" I screamed out loud. That one earned some stares. Some of worry, others of curiosity. Most people just stared at me like I was insane. I was NOT!

So I finished my bagel- which tasted like cat barf. Note to self: _stop eating human food_. Old habits die hard, I guess. And we left. Edward and I walked with Alice and Jasper. We were on our way to our first period when something caught my attention. A flyer that read:

BLOOD DRIVE IN THE GYM!

Edward had to literally drag me away by my ankles. It was quite embarrassing, and a bit painful. So he dragged me to our next class. Honors Biology. I had taken this class seven times and had a 105. Edward had a D. Minus.

The truth was that he was almost failing because he just sucked. Plain and simple. He tried to make up a lame excuse, something like it was because he couldn't concentrate with me sitting there. Mwahaha. I'm just good like that!

"Why can't we go to the Blood Drive? I wanna give blood and help people!"

Edward looked at me like I was insane. I patted my belly, soothing the baby - why wasn't he kicking? -and glanced at the teacher. Balding head, knitted sweater vest, and those glasses that made his eyes look huge. He was so smoking-

"Hot," Edward murmured appreciatively. I turned to him, raising my eyebrow.

"Erm…nothing." He said, quickly taking out his book.

"Whatever." I said, turning my gaze back to the fat teacher at the front of the room. He looked up and winked at me…

**JACOBS P.O.V**

"Hey Nessie!" I chimed in as I strolled through the door.

"Hey."

"Where are Edward and Bella?"

"Why?" She asked, staring up at me. I'd never tell her this, because I love her, but her nose was squished and turned up a little too much. She really needed to consider plastic surgery.

I couldn't believe I was even doing this, because of this curse, I had to love her unconditionally. But she inherited her mother's clumsiness, so she was fun to watch trip. Sometimes I purposefully let her fall just to get a laugh.

"I was thinking….of you moving in with me. Then we can have a baby, and then get married." She looked at me, squishing her pig nose.

"Isn't that... completely backwards?" I rolled my eyes, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"No, silly Renesmee."

"Oh. Well then yeah, let's do it!" she squeaked

Then we skipped around her house trying to find Bella and Edward. We ran into the backyard. And of course there they were, flaunting their super powers, swinging from the frickin' trees.

_I hope they fall._

Ugh! Here come the glares. You think I'd be used to always having that freak in my head.

"Yeah don't lecture me. I just wanted to ask Bella-" killer of joy and all things holy, I reminded myself. "If Renesmee could move in with me."

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**whoo! we're back after a short mishap. you know what it takes for another update today :D**

**review review review!**

**S&M**


	6. Sesame Street

**a:n/** the beginning was written by stephanie, the ending was written by me. thanks to **wakebytheriver**, for your funny review. although we rather like the twilight series, we're glad we could help point that out for you. LOL :D

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Bella was so surprised that she slipped and landed in the lake below the trees. Renesmee shrieked and ran next to her mother to help.

"NO" she moaned, eyeing Bella's ruined outfit. She then proceeded to run off the brands of her clothes like a saleswoman. "Silver stilettos and a red Dior mini. Specially handcrafted from silk and sewn by woman and children in China working in sweatshops. Such beautiful clothes, wasted!"

Wow, I thought, I really need to stop letting her hang out with Alice.

"Awmagawd, you freak" Bella muttered, as she stood up. Renesmee gasped and ran back to me. "They're just freaking clothes"

"Are not! People in China made them! CHINA!" Renesmee yelled as I held her back by her waist. Either she really loves China or she doesn't understand that everything is made in there and it's not that important.

"Can I move in with Jacob, pretty please?" she whined.

"Don't ask me," Bella said, insulted. "I'm not your mother. Talk to Rosalie"

"WHAT?!" Renesmee shrieked, so loud I had to cover my ears. If I was going to move in maybe I should invest in some earplugs…

"Nessie, dear, I have given you up to Rosalie." All of our jaws dropped. Silence.

"What?" Renesmee burst out, "You can't just _pass _me on to Rosalie, you're my mother!"

"I'm your mother! I can do whatever I darn well want!" Bella and Edward nodded like this made perfect sense.

"EXACTLY, you're my mother; that will _never_ change!"

"As long as you live under my roof you will follow my rules."

A random "ehemm" came from behind Bella. It was Edward.

"Sorry, I mean as long as you live under **Carlisle's **house you will follow my rules," she continued.

Renesmee broke out in tears.

"Oh stop your whining and go talk to your new mommy!"

_What the hell is wrong with this family?_ I thought to myself (and to that freak that's always inside my head, but I can't control that). He shot me an oh-shut-up look then turned back to Bella with all the psycho stalker behavior he exhibits so often. I remembered when Bella was kind-of sane, when we hung out in my garage. And how he went spaz when he got back and whined for weeks until Bella finally wore the ugliest helmet to ride my bike.

"You know what? I'm done with this! I'm soaking wet and you, little missy, are getting on my nerves." Bella skipped off as if she was an upset 4 year old. Edward followed blindly, singing songs from Sesame Streetas he threw us a wave over his shoulder.

"¡Adiós Señor Jacob! ¡Al fin me lo quité de encima!"

"Wait, huh?" I yelled as he skipped away. He turned around and shrugged.

"I had to learn Espanola for Breaking Dawn, and that's all I know how to say. They only can teach me so many lines, you know."

I looked at him, "What's Breaking Dawn?" He just rolled his eyes and ran away. I turned to Renesmee, who was somehow _still_ venting. "Do you know what Breaking Dawn is?"

Man, that song was really catchy, now even I was humming it. "Read me a story, read me a rhyme, something that happened once upon a time. It can have monsters," like Edward and Bella, I thought gleefully, "princesses too-"

"Ugh I'm going to ask Rose." Renesmee interrupted my wonderful song, "Jacob come with me."

"But I'm not done with the song!" I whined. I hate talking to Blondie anyways. It's going to be like living hell to have her as a mother-in-law.

"Fine I'll ask her myself!" Renesmee said. I nodded as she ran up the steps into the house.

Then Edward reappeared and we sang the rest of the song while we danced.

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**6** REVIEWS - update today!

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Stay awesome :D

S & M


	7. Blunt

dedication goes to just a little craziee, for being awesome!

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I puked as I leaned over the bushes. Edward looked at my pityingly as I threw up all over his blue suede shoes. I ignored the urge to burst into song and glanced up at him.

"We should see Carlisle," he said, making a move to grab my hand. I put on hand on my hip and glared at him. I still hadn't forgiven him for leaving me to sing and dance to Sesame Street.

"No, Edward," I explained as calmly as I could, "I don't care what you say. There _is_ a baby in my belly!" Sheesh, sometimes it was like talking to a toddler with this man/boy/soulless vampire demon.

"Bella, love," Edward said, his voice rising to a highly obnoxious and whiney pitch as he used the term of endearment I hated so much, "You've been throwing up and having the worst mood swings. I'm…worried about you. if there is a baby in there, don't you want to make sure it's safe?"

"No."

Edward did a double take. I laughed loudly. "Kidding! 'Sides, I think after the Loch Ness Monster over there I'm all drained of hate. I'm only so good, Edward." I pointed to Renesmee, who had just walked in. She was probably going to ask her new momma about Jakey-poo moving in. She turned and ran back outside, crying as she called for Rosalie. She really knew when to walk into a room.

"Fine, let's do this."

I let Edward take my hand as we went to find Carlisle.

I was worried about Bella. I was just so worried about Bella. I was just so completely worried about Bella. I was just so completely obsessed with being worried about Bella.

Because besides being hot in both mind and body, worrying over nothing was what I did best.

We found Carlisle in his study.

"Carlisle?" I asked. He turned to me, a big smile on his face. It faded slightly when he saw Bella, but he covered it quickly. I spit venom at him. He ignored me. Well, kinda.

"What do you need?"

"I was worried about Bella. She's been throwing up a lot and having mood swings all the time. I know she's preg-"

Carlisle cut me off. "If you say pregnant, I will scream."

"Pregnant!" Bella sang. Carlisle screamed, which sounded slightly like a girl. She looked at me and shrugged. "I gotta get my kicks _somehow_, and this house is boring. Pregnant!"

I decided to take it from Carlisle's perspective for a moment.

"Okay, if she's not pregnant, explain the throwing up."

"Haven't you noticed that Bella's been eating human food? Vampires can't _do_ that, Edward. It tends to make us… you know… throw up." Oh, yea.

Bella was determined though. She waggled a finger at him as she placed a hand on her hip. "Yea, well, then why do I _want _to eat human food?"

Carlisle rolled his eyes. " You don't. You just think you do because you're really, really stupid." Oh, yea, again.

"Okay, but what about the mood swings?" I asked, praying. God, I hope that she's pregnant. Bella had already given up Renesmee, and I was holding out for a son.

Carlisle just looked at me in apology.

"Edward," he said bluntly, "You're wife's just a witch."

Oh. Yea. Why did I pick her as a soul mate?

She turned to me sadly, patting the invisible baby in her stomach. Then she shrugged, her eyes lighting up.

"Let's adopt!"

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Heyy everyone this is Stephanie!!! I havent really gotten to talk to you all because mandys a fanfiction story hogger. hehe im just kidding.

I just wanted to say that you all are awesome

people that read and review in a nice manner **ROCK!** whoop whoop

well you know the drill

**6 reviews** update today/ or tomorrow as soon as i get home from school i promise :D

**4 reviews **update tuesday

**2 reviews **update wednesday or thursday

S&M


	8. Lady and the Tramp

thanks to **tannah**, for reviewing for every chapter almost. you rock :D

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**J. POV**

"Blondie, babe's gotta ask you something!" I yelled. Renesmee had just dragged me inside, and Edward and I decided to finish our song and dance later. He was buying the top hats. Renesmee was crying, apparently Bella had insulted her, yet again, and I thought I heard something about an adoption going on in the floor above us. I didn't want to know.

"What is it Nessie?" Rose called from her chase lounge. Renesmee skipped into her new mommy's waiting arms, nuzzling her pig nose against her cheek.

"I want to move in with Jacob."

Rosalie glared at me, shaking her fist menacingly\. Emmett walked in, mocking her from behind. I tried not to laugh, finally deciding to cover my hand over my mouth as I rolled my eyes. He then skipped to her side, wrapping his arms around her. I didn't have time for mindless fluffy moments, we had to get to the big explosive scene that my wolfy senses could sense was coming!

"We want to move in together," I repeated.

"Just ask your mom, I'm sure she wouldn't like it very much if you came to me for permission," Rosalie said through clenched teeth. I rolled my eyes, pointing to the girl who was attached to my hip.

"Oh you didn't get the memo?" Wow, usually these vamps were all up in everybody's business. "You're this kid's mommy now."

"OH YEA!" She said with obvious pride in her voice as she skipped with Renesmee in circles. They nuzzled each other's faces as they held hands, which reminded me of an ancient tribal dance.

She explained to Emmett while dancing that Bella didn't like Renesmee anymore so she gave her to the two of them. He still looked confused.

"Wait, what was it again that you wanted to say?" Her motherly tone was kicking in, and it sounded like she'd been practicing it for a very long time in the mirror.

"I want…to move in with Jacob."

"HECK NO!"

Ugh! She had to ruin everything!

I was so mad… I kicked her.

She's just lucky I didn't go werewolf all over her tiny butt.

But before I had time to do any more damage to Blondie's painted on face I was being chased around the house. I had forgotten what a freaking monster her husband was, and what his job was. The bully's job was to _protect _her.

Me getting chased with my hands up in the air, squealing like a little girl, made Renesmee so upset that after a moment Blondie revised her answer.

"Heh… he squeals like a girl," Blondie laughed as I turned and stalked towards her. Before Emmett could take me down, she spoke again. "If he comes and lives with us, I can keep an eye on you two. And I'm sure Emmett and Jasper won't mind building you a dog house in the backyard, Jake."

I tried to think up a witty response. A little light bulb went off in my head, and I checked it to see what it said. Satisfied, I opened my big mouth to get me in more trouble.

"That's exactly what you and your hubby need, because you're like lady and the tramp. You, blondie, obviously the tramp."

Snarls broke out from both Rosalie and Emmett.

--

"Please Jacob?"

"No."

"Come on, why not?"

Renesmee was trying to get me to move in with her.

Not happening.

"Your house reeks. The lady and the tramp drive me insane, and dog houses aren't really my thing."

I crossed my arms and nodded, satisfied with my answer. She wasn't though. Darn her.

"Please Jake, at least we'll be together," she whined, showing me her 'puppydog' eyes as she batted her long lashes at me. Grr.

"Ugh, fine."

"Yay!" She broke out in giggles and started jumping up and down, showering me in kisses as she pulled me to the backyard to 'pick out real estate' for my new house.

And what the heck was Alice doing upstairs? Why were they talking about… ski masks?

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**oooh want to know what they're going to do? you're going to have to wait and see!**

we have the next seven chapters all set. they're just waiting!

S & M


	9. Ski Masks

this weeks shout outs go to Courtcullen and Twilight-SVU-HSM-52.

and also to one of our besites o. She was one of the first to read chapter one and she had been a strong supporter from the start. THANKS O!

**NOTICE:** For any of you who might be offended by this chapter remeber this is juat a goofy story. We do not mean any harm, and we are not making fun of Asians, in fact the person who told us to write this chapter, and gave us ideas, was Asian. Not to mention one of mandy's best friends :D If you get offended, then take it up with our friend Mai please (:

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"I want her!" I yelled, while jumping up and down pointing toward the little Asian girl sitting in the corner.

Edward rolled his eyes and asked me, "Why do you feel so attracted to this one, love?" He always had to question my choices.

"Um duh! She's Asian, Asians Rock!" I thought that was a good enough reason….

The adoption lady looked at me as if I had just said something crazy. She was way outta line with that glare she shot me. I mean everything I say is well thought over and educated, never weird or the least bit crazy. I don't know what her problem was.

Then she choked out "Her name is Jane."  
"isn't like the whole reason for adopting like having your _own _child without going through the labor? I decide what her name will be."  
"What shall you name her, love?" Edward asked me in a curious tone.  
"Ching, I shall name her Ching!"

The lady bit her lip

"It's common practice to screen the parents for their..uhh.. mental standards..if you could..uhh..follow me." She sounded like dumbfounded like she had just been told to solve a really really hard math problem.

I looked back at the cute girl. Why was she crying? Aw pretty baby's crying! I turned toward the lady, determined.

"Let's go take this test!"

*******

"How did I fail?" Edward looked as confused as I was. For crying out loud, they were pictures of circles and squares! Well, there was that confusing one with the colors though…

I had to think Ching was MINE!

"Ohh Alice!"

"ZOMG lyke ima be an auntie 'gain?!" Alice squealed

"ZOMG lyke duh!" I mocked her "As long as you shut up!"

We slipped on our black ski masks. Alice was jumping up and down as she whisper-shrieked. I took position in the tree, snatching the binoculars to look towards the building.

"Why did I come again?" Rosalie complained.

"Because you've like killed guards before, we may need you."

* * *

Hello!

Stephanie here

i would just like to say that were sorry if any of you have been disappointed with us. We have not been updating religiously as we had promised.

it's just that we need more reviews!

we need encouragement to write new chapters and reviews do just that so keep writing reviews please. : D

and to all of you that have been faithful we thank you and you ROCK.

remember:

**2 reviews** update thursday

**6 reviews **update wednesday

**8 reviews **update tomorrow

stay awsome!

S&M


	10. Lollipop

**You all rock!**

we were very pleased with the reviews.  
and i personally cannot pick one person to dedicate this chapter to so it's dedicated to my cat :D  
If Mandy decideds she wants to dedicate this chapter to someone then she will do that later but i can't decied because you all rock!!!

**

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**Edward POV**

This is so exciting! My very first break in. But we must do this right.

"Bella, love, I have a favor to ask of you!" I whined

"Yes, Edward, What do you want?"

"I feel like we're not doing this right. I need… A gun."

"Why on Earth would you need, or want, a gun? You're a vampire, you don't need a gun. And even if you needed one you would never actually use it, you're too nice." She shot back

"I know, but it makes me look cool. And plus I might need it to scare someone off if they try to stop us." I was very proud of my answer.

"Okay. Whatever." She said, then handed me a fully loaded handgun.

Why was she carrying around a gun? Oh well, I was too excited to care about that. I had never held an actual gun before, it made me feel dangerous.

"Thug life" I mumbled quietly (quoting my favorite movie in the world) then I cocked my gun, ready for battle.

I waved the gun in the air, over my head.

"Thug life! Thug life! Thug li-"

BAM!

"Jeez oh peetz!"

"I knew we shouldn't have given him that." Alice muttered, reaching a hand out for the gun.

"NOO!" I whined, cradling the gun to my chest as I stroked it. "It's shiny, I'm not gunna do it again."

"Promise?" Alice questioned me with a suspicious tone

"Promise, girl scout honor" I said, while holding up my three fingers.

Yay! I got to keep the gun! "Thug life thug life thu-"

BAM! The gun went off, hitting me in the chest. I tried to play it cool and hope nobody noticed. Darnit!

"Give it to me, Edward." Alice demanded.

"But..but.."

"How about we give you this instead?" Bella offered, with her hands behind her back hiding something. "But you have to close your eyes first."

"Kay." I whispered. I closed my eyes just like she said and felt Alice take the gun. I started to cry; I missed that gun more than I'd missed Bella when I left. I felt something be put into my hands.

"okay, open your eyes."

I glanced down at my hands. A lollipop? My hands now held a rainbow colored lollipop, which was not nearly as cool as my gun.

"thug life…" I whispered sadly, waving it slowly over my head.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. I got into spy stance, aiming at her. I threw it, and it landed in her hair.

"Whoo hoo!"

Rose just scowled, picking it out of her hair. Alice handed it back to me.

"Be good."

"Kay" I said, taking a lick of the lollipop

*wretch*

Alice stared at the building, then back to Bella.

"Let's do this!"

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**want to see what happens next??**

REVIEW! hehe

**4 reviews** update sunday

**6 reviews **update saturday

**8 reviews **update tomorrow (friday)

OH! and by the way..**happy valentines day!**

S&M


	11. Ching

we'd cordially like to dedicate this chapter to** cassielovestwilight, kristen thorn** and **Mandy** for reviewing. But especially Mandy, because you have my name!

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"Come on come on!"

Edward skipped ahead of us, waving the lollipop in circles until it almost flew off the stick. He jumped to a stop, holding it in place.

"Stay," he commanded it, sounding like a four year old. Then he grinned, nodding to us. "All in the clear!" He crawled up the building at super speed, turning to wave from the window I knew was Ching's.

It freaking had to be. Otherwise, well…

"Look, I'm like Spiderman!"

"Ohh!" Alice clapped her hands, following Edward. I ran up after them. I was so not going to be the last one there.

"If I don't get my freaking baby I'm going to scream," Bella informed us, writing on some random chart. I tried to peek at it, but she snarled at me. "My chart!"

She turned back to it, scribbling down something with her back towards me. She kept shooting me looks like she was psycho and thought that I was going to try to kill her. She kept mumbling 'my chart, my chart' over and over.

Whatever.

"I gotta be home fast," I said, sauntering like I do best as I walked towards a tree. I jumped up the branches, leaping from one to the other. "Rennie-may and I are watching a movie. Girls night thing, just the two of us."

"I know," Edward whisper-shouted, tugging off his black mask to reveal his face. "All you keep thinking is 'Rennie-may movie' and it's driving me insane."

Whatever.

"Come on come on!" Alice shrieked. Fine, I would do this. "Lyke, we gots ta go now or somebody'z gonna see us!"

"Do you see that happening Alice?" I asked curiously.

"Well naw, but that's what they say in movies all the time!"

Oh god. Why did I agree to this?

I fell into the room with an obnoxious crash.

"Clumsy Bella," I said to myself affectionately. Ever since I turned vampire, Emmett had stopped giving me affectionate pet names. It may not help that I growled and attacked him every time he did though…

But whatever, somebody had to do it now. And I was just the girl to do it!

"Hey, Ching! Are you in here?"

Nothing. I heard a heartbeat speed up, and I jumped up to race to where it was at. A girl – CHING! – was sitting in her bed, her blankets pulled up to her chin. I grinned.

"We're taking you home," I told her, whipping the blankets off of her. "Come on! We're rich and we're powerful. We can even teach you English!"

She looked at me, then at everybody else gathered around her bed. She looked almost… mad?

"I can speak perfect English, you _dimwit_. My name is Jane, not _Ching_, and I like it here. I have a boyfriend, his name is Benjamin. He's _sixteen_. So if you don't mind, get out of my freaking room before I alert the authorities."

"Hahaha!" Edward laughed sarcastically. He pointed the lollipop at her slowly, his smile fading into a glare as he spoke really softly. He sounded psychotic and his voice reminded me of something dragging on gravel. "Come with us."

"Psh, as if. Honestly. You're Bella Cullen, right? You failed the freaking mentality test! How_ stupid_ do you really have to be for that? Don't think we don't know what goes on around here. Now, out of my room! I need my beauty rest. In only twelve hours I'm meeting Benjamin for our six month anniversary and if I miss it because of you…"

HA! She was just … what was the term? Frontin'?

"Dun be frontin'," I told her.

"What?" She scratched her hair, yawning.

"Just because you're not hip with the times doesn't mean that you have to act like I'm stupid," I snapped at her. "Sorry future child, that won't happen again. Just say it with me. You can do it. Front-en."

There was a really long and dramatic pause.

"No."

"Grab her stuff!" I commanded Rosalie. She rolled her eyes, but did as I said. That's right…

"Edward, get her!"

She was making a run for the door, throwing annoyed glances at us over her back as she whipped it open.

"But she's so _fast_!" Edward whined. Oh please, she hadn't even reached the hall. I looked over at Edward.

"Then stop running in slow motion!"

"Fine," he said after a second. He grabbed her by the shoulders, yanking her back in the room. He clamped a hand over her mouth, silencing her scream that she was about to let out.

"Whoo!"

With Ching kicking and screaming, we jumped out of the window. I high fived everybody appropriately while we strapped her in the car.

"We win!"

We all stuck our tongue out at the big dreary building, singing songs as we rode into the sunrise.

-cue beautiful wonderful music with rainbow unicorns and lollipops singing. oh, and that baby sun from tellitubies-

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**happy valentines day! **

i'm not going to pressure you for reviews, because you guys are good :D

i hope you're having fun doing whatever you're doing!

**dont forget, review please!**


	12. Llama Land

CH. POV (Jane /Ching)

What the hell is going on? All I know is that Benjamin is going to be more than mad if he comes by tomorrow to snag me from that orphanage and I'm missing.

Everybody was chattering in the car, their high pitched voices loud and annoying. I'd gathered that the girl who'd kidnapped me was Bella, and according to the way Rosalie talked to her she must have been pretty stupid. Rosalie was very self centered, and Alice was just on crack. Edward seemed like the most bizarre one of all. Half of the time his voice made me want to melt, and the next he was wretching and screaming about some movie called Pineapple Express.

I remember Ben wanting me to watch it once. It was so the dumbest thing I'd ever watched.

"C'mon, grab the girl!" I heard Bella screech. I was whipped from the car, cursing and swearing as they dragged me into the house. When I was set inside a room, a man removed my blindfold. For a second I thought I'd been rescued.

"I'm sorry. My family is stupid."

I nodded in agreement, looking around the room. I almost gagged.

The theme was 'Llama Land', based off of a Japanese show about a llama that secretly hopes it works for the government and has secret powers. There was a rainbow in the background, and the llama had a giant flowing cape with a giant 'L' on it. Its tongue was hanging out, and I saw that whoever painted it had artfully sculpted a giant bit of drool running down its fur. There were animated flowers and suns singing and dancing in the background. Signs like Hirajuko! and Kakurozi! were painted on the wall in bright colors. They weren't even Japanese words.

More than that, though, was the stupid bed. It had a Llama Land bedspread, with lots of color. The llama wasn't drooling this time, at least, so I knew I wasn't going to have any nightmares. The one thing that might terrify my dreams was the giant. Freaking. Stuffed. Llama. On my bed.

It was grinning at me, one of its eyes falling out.

"Can you please redo my room?" I asked, trying my best to sound nice. Benjamin would have been proud.

Drat! I just realized that Benjamin could never come to my room. If he saw this he'd probably leave me, laughing on his way out.

The man winked at me. He slid a button into my hand, pressing on it gently. The room flipped, a simple blue and brown layout coming into focus. The walls spun, getting rid of the disastrous llama drool and revealing a simple blue wall. A bin popped out of the wall, new bed sheets inside that matched the rest of the room. He smiled, putting a finger to his lips. He stood, going to the drawer to get a piece of paper.

THE PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE ARE INSANE, it read, DO NOT SPEAK. ESME, MY WIFE, DESIGNED THE NEW LAYOUT. KEEP IT QUIET. YOU HAVE TO SWITCH IT AROUND BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP. BELLA GETS VERY CRANKY. ASK HER DAUGHTER. SORRY YOU'RE STUCK HERE WITH US.

I nodded, and he got up and left. She had a daughter?

What was I going to do? My phone was still in the drawer back at the orphanage. I gave up, pressing the button again. The creepy drooling llama was back, smiling at me. I slid under the blankets, glowering at it. I picked up the life-size stuffed llama, chucking it at the wall.

Darn thing.

I knelt down to pray. The llama was smiling at me,

"Dear God," I said bitterly, "If you could kill everybody in this household, especially Bella, I would really appreciate it. And get rid of the dumb room please, I'm really hating everything about my life. First you ditch my parents, and then you chuck me in here. There's definitely something I must have done, but I'm sorry! Make it up to me by getting me out of this place!"

I heard a booming laugh, and at first I thought it was God making fun of me. Then I realized that it was just another nameless person downstairs.

Whatever. I'm going to bed.

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**a:n/ **its mandy. i had zero inspiration for this chapter. and no, llama land is NOT a japanese show. lol

give us some inspiration!


	13. Puppies

sorry its been so long. it really just depends on the reviews we get. thanks to everbody who left us reviews, love you (:

**chapter written by: **Stephanie

**Emmett POV**

"I don't understand!"

"I'm going to take Renesmee shopping," Rosalie said as if she was talking to a person hard of hearing. Ow. I rubbed my ears like a wounded puppy while she tapped her foot impatiently.

"I understand that, it's just that ever since you started hanging out more with Renesmee you have neglected me. I'm lonely," I mumbled.

"What are you talking about? I am not neglecting you!" She shouted, offended. Then she stormed out of the house with Renesmee. Stupid Nessie, now I saw why Bella didn't like her.

I sat down to think when Ching walked in.

"Hi Ching my name's Emmett!" I shouted out, waving frantically. She paused, trying to slowly back out of the room without me noticing. She was giving me the crazy person look.

"Oh sorry you don't know English, do you?" I apologized, my hand fluttering to my chest like a housewife as I made appropriate 'aweee' sounds.

"Ugh! You all are crazy. My name is Jane and I speak English!" She screamed. Then she started crying, rubbing her eyes as big fat tears ran down her cheeks. "I just want to get out of here"

"I know how you're felling girl. I've got problems also." I confessed, closing my eyes is distress.

"Hmm nice to know.."

"Would you want to talk?" I patted the seat next to me happily, feeling the soft texture. WHOO Carlisle for not binging and getting leather!

"Well-"

"I just don't understand! I mean am I not fun anymore? What does Renesmee have that I don't?"

"Umm… who?" She was hovering at the doorway, looking at me with one eyebrow raised.

"I mean it's like Rosalie doesn't even know I'm there anymore. Ever since Renesmee came she has been neglecting me and I'm just so lonely."

"Do you have a phone?"

"And everyone has someone else to hang out with! Edward has Bella and Bella has you and Jasper has Alice and Carlisle has Esme. I just don't know what to do anymore, I have nobody!" I said as I started to cry. But then I realized: I can't cry. And as if in a movie my tears start floating up into the sky. Then one paused, putting on a black top hat. It turned to me, waving. I waved back as it spoke to me in a high pitched voice.

"Bye Emmett see you sooooon!"

"Do you have a phone I could use?" Ching repeated, looking up at the tears as if it was perfectly normal.

"Help me Chi- I mean Jane. I need someone to be my friend!"

Then rudely she got up and walked out. In the middle of my story! How dare she.

Then I started to feel sad again. So I decide to write down the things that make me happy:

Puppies

Cotton Swabs

Pineapple

Red Jelly Beans

The Beach

Old People Playing Checkerboard

A Build-a-Bear

I decide that the best thing in my list is the Puppy. So I got out and buy a puppy. I named him Parker and took him home. But the second I got home I decided I was hungry…

Maybe an animal wasn't the best idea.

So I went and bought a Build-a-Bear because if I ate that I wouldn't be hurting anything.

So I got home and shoved it in Roses face and told her that he was my new best friend and that he will be my best friend for the rest of eternity.

She laughed.

**review lovlies. keeps us motivated :D **


	14. broken

Sorry to everyone that has waited and waited and waited for the next chapter to come out

sorry its been so long since weve written

and sorry that after all that waiting all you get is this crap (:

haha ok sorry for rambling on about being sorry.

SORRY

on with the story:

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Ching POV

That crazy lady that goes by the name of Bella haunted my nightmares last night. I dreamt she went on a rampage and killed everyone in this small town of Forks.

When I opened my eyes in the morning I saw Bella standing maybe 3 inches away from my face.

She had this crazy look in her eyes and a smile that spread all the way across her face.

I screamed and fell off the bed, hitting my head on a Llama Land lamp in the process.

The lamp fell to the floor right next to me.

"NO!" Bella screamed as she lunged toward the floor. She picked up the broken pieces of ceramic. She held an eye in one hand and a piece I couldn't really make out. She looked to the ceiling and screamed "why me!!!" Then she laid on the ground, with her face to the ground, and started to scream as if she was in pain.

I rolled my eyes and stood up. I questioned why she was hovering over me like an obsessed stalker ready to kidnap her prey.  
She said, "Today we start teaching you the rules around here."

*****

Bella handed me a list of rules. It read:

Rules for Living:

1. You MUST wear uniform at all times

2. You speak Chinese, eat Chinese, live breathe and LOVE Chinese.

3. You obey all my rules…

If at any time these rules are broken there WILL be consequences.

Then Bella handed me a hanger which had 'Ching's Uniform' written on it in sharpie. "Your closet is stocked with these same clothes. I'm sure they will make you feel right at home." Bella explained. The uniform consisted of a gray pleated skirt that was easily an inch past my knees, a gray button-up blouse, black flats, and white knee-highs.

Then she handed me another set of clothes which she explained was my 'casual day uniform.' It consisted of a one-size-too-big pair of black shorts, black pumas, and a white t-shirt that had the Llama Land logo on the front (a llama with its tongue sticking out, both eyes going in different directions, and the Chinese symbols, 駱馬土地, which stood for 'Llama Land'.)  
"What the heck?! You expect me to wear this?!" I demanded

"What happens when I want to go outside in this and its 20 degrees outside?"

"Oh you'll survive" Bella debated.

"And if you read the letter it says that you HAVE to speak Chinese from now on."

"No."

"Ok, I'll give you a pass on that one but from now on if you speak English there will be consequences. Ok starting…….Now!"

"Chug whing yee hong." I said, not know if I was speaking Chinese or just Gibberish.

"What does that mean?" Bella questioned

"Exactly." I said as I stormed up to my room.

I cringed at the 2 dozen llamas staring at me (yes, I counted.) They were mocking me.

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This chapter was written my stephanie with revisions by olivia and read over by mandy! THANKS GUYS hehe

you know the drill

2 reviews update tuesdayish maybe wednesday

4 reviews update sunday

6 reviews update saturday

8 reviews update tomorrow

STAY AWESOME

S&M


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